Avoidance No Longer

I have been avoiding logging on to this blog since the day it happened. The worst day of my life. I say that a lot. The worst day of my life. I've said it a few times in this blog. Thought about it several times in the last few years. Each time it seems even more painful. Each time brings even more despair and hopelessness. I have to face it, at least from the stand point of this blog. I've faced it and I've accepted it in my day to day life. I have healed, mostly, from it. There is no way to heal completely. I have learned that. And I am ok with it. So here I am. I saw those ultrasound pictures. Yes, it felt like it stopped my heart. Yes, my throat titghtened and yes, I sat here and cried. But I am still here. And I'm still not giving up. We owe it to them to never give up.

So now it is time to come on here and resume where I left off. But I can't resume where I left off, because they are gone. Our 3 little miracles, who were with us so briefly but changed us immeasurably, are gone. I lost my three precious miracles on July 19, 2009 at exactly 9 weeks. I can't recount the details. There is no need to, as the horrible details of that day are forever burned into my head, as well as my soul. I miss them, all of them, each and everday. I can say without a doubt, without a second guess, that there has not been one day that I have not thought about them, about what happened. One of our beautiful miracles forever lies in our garden. A garden that the man I love and I started together when we bought our first home. A garden that was first planted in love and will now forever bloom in love. Where ever we go, they will always be with us and I will forever love them, be thankful for them and will forever be in gratitute to them, as they humbled me to my core.

I am not the nicest person. I've said this before. I can be insanely moody, petty, judgemental and sometimes just plain mean. I envy what others have that I don't (both materialistic and not) and hold it against them. I sometimes take the things in my life that others don't/can't have and use them as a way to put myself above them. Maybe it's an extremely flawed (and failed) way to make up for my envy and jealousy. Whatever the reason, I don't like it. And Infertility and pregnancy loss do not help aleviate these personality flaws. The only people who understand this are those who have experienced it.

I am sometimes described as not humble, and I do not disagree. But the three miracles that I once had, they humbled me. For a little while, before the heartache set in, I was humbled. Take everything material from me, the 50" plasma tv, the house, the car. Take it all but leave me with my 3 little miracles, my husband and my family. Thats all I need. And I won't want anything else either. Just let me keep these things, I would say to Him. Yes, I was humbled and happy. I'm happy now, don't get me wrong. I love my husband with all my heart and I am so blessed in so many ways. But for a little while, I was completely happy and there was no sign of jealousy, or bitterness. Just happiness. Three tiny miracles made me a better person, even for just a little while. And as time goes on, as life goes on, I want to be that better, happy person that I was for a that little while. For them. For their dad. For their brother's or sisters that we WILL have and for the ones they joined in Heaven. For my parents. For me. So that is what I work towards.

As far as other updates, we are doing good. Just working and enjoying college football! Our Auburn Tigers are currently 5-o and we are loving every minute of it. We love this new coaching staff and what they have brought to the team. Work is work. Really, who loves going to work everyday? I am taking the next two Friday's off as I need a break, and we are going to be enjoying some time with family. DH bought me The Time Traveler's Wife and I started reading it yesterday. Over 100 pages into it and I am loving it so far. I love lying in bed with DH while we both read. I love being with him period.

On the medical/infertility treatment front...we are planning to start cycling again at the beginning of November. I actually need to look at the calendar and decide when to start my prometrium to get AF here. Here's something exciting...I finally convinced Doc to prescribe me Metformin. I started it on September 1st. I am taking 2000mg/day. It has gone really well with very little side effects. DH and I have been walking 4-5 nights a week. The pounds are SLOWLY coming off. But at least I am doing something. Also, when we cycle again, we will be upping my dose of lovenox to 80mg/day (up from 40mg/day) starting at 3dp trigger shot. Hopefully this combination of Metformin and a higher dose of lovenox is our Sticky Recipe (recipe for a sticky miracle baby).

Life is good. It's had plenty of bumps, huge pot holes and even those spikey things they put in the road to bust people's tires. But all it has done is slow us down. The important part is we pick up speed again and continue on. No one has put up a huge brick wall that we can't get around. And if they ever do, it's up to us to find a way to break it down. And as we wave to everyone who speeds by us & gets to the destination, we will tell ourself that we will see them when we get there. And will remind ourselves of all that we learned along the way.