Another day

Today is another day. Not a great day but not a bad day either. Just a day. Sitting here with not much else to occupy my mind, I have been thinking about how fast time has gone by. How quickly our last pregnancy was over. The first time, it seemed like the nightmare went on forever. I guess because we were in a state of limbo, not knowing where the pregnancy was (whether it was in my tube or uterus) or what was in store for my health (what surgery I would need or if my tube was going to rupture). But this time, the levels seemed to drop so fast and it was just over. It's been a month now since we lost our little ones. I am so glad I didn't have to have another D&C (Dilation & Curettage). At least I don't have to worry about uterine scarring on top of everything else. On my TTTC board (Trouble Trying To Conceive), it seems like everyone I got to know has gotten pregnant and/or had their babies. Oh well, I have to stop worrying about what others have. Their lives/blessings have nothing to do with ours.

I became really sad when I realized how long it will be until we hold our baby in our arms. My next due date probably won't be until September '09 or later. I can't believe it. It just makes me sick. We started seeing our doctor in MAY '07. This isn't fair. My wonderful husband always tells me it is not about "fair". It is not a competition or about who has what. I know that. I do. In my head. But in my heart, I just can't understand why this has happened to us. I just don't know how else to describe it. I can't wait to start treatment up again. I am so excited but so scared too. How in the world is it possible to not stay terrified when we get pregnant again? I have told people that I am going to put myself on bed rest. Only 1/4 kidding. If I didn't have to work, that is exactly what I would do. I think I will just start going to bed really, really early. Dinner in bed, anyone?

The capacity for pain & suffering of a human is unbelievable. When I am drowning in my own self pity & sadness, I think about all the stories I have read. Other couples dealing with IF & Pregnancy loss and how much longer their struggles have been. How much more money they have invested. How many years they have cried & watched as everyone around them became pregnant. How much more they have lost. Or Matt Logelin, who lost his wife the day after their baby was born. I couldn't imagine losing my husband, my rock, the love of my life. Such incredible strength. From stories like these & from the strength of my husband, I know we will be ok.

In other news, we had a good weekend despite a weak performance by our Auburn Tigers. As any true, high expectation college football fan knows, you can have a lousy win. Yes, they won and I am happy about that. But they didn't look good doing it. Scratch that. They looked plain bad doing it. But a win is a win I guess. Saturday was fun filled with tailgating & food. We had a great lunch with friends on Sunday. Unfortunately I did not get my rings worked on. The jeweler was closed. Boo.

So today is Tuesday and I already can't wait till Friday. It is an away game this week, VS Vanderbilt, so no tailgating for us. Maybe I can get DH to fry up some of his fabulous wings. mmmmm. Hurry up Friday!! The work weeks sucks. At least we have Heroes, The Office, Fringe and all our other shows to watch. I will now get back to nesting (the act of viewing forums on the nest) and watching the clock. Only 5 hours and 45 minutes to go.......