Just Tired.

I am hurting right now. I miss our babies so much. Our babies. That is what I titled their ultrasound picture when I saved it on my computer. I don't know why, but I opened it. I didn't need to see it to remember. The image has been burned into my brain. Burned so deep that I will never forget. But I opened it. And now all I can think about is how happy we were when we saw them on that screen. All I can think about is my husband's face and the biggest smile I have ever seen. He knew before the nurse said anything that we had 2. 2 miracles. My husband said that he always thought he would have twins. I am sitting here at my desk crying. Thank god no one is here. I am still in so much pain. It's been just over 2 months and my throat still tightens, harder than I imagine a noose could feel. My heart and chest are still aching. I am still so sad, so very mad and so very very angry. I am so tired of being jealous and so bitter. I am so tired of loss. I am tired of worrying and stressing. Tired of being scared. I am just tired. I feel so worn.

I feel as though I am just being worn out on all sides. My interview date has been set. Wednesday morning. I really feel as though it is totally pointless. I'll be terribly uncomfortable in front of 6 people and for what? If the hag's (*Hag will forever refer to the ex-boss) declaration back in August is any indication, I'm out already. I'm nervous, though I repeatedly tell myself that I don't care. I'm nervous because I feel like they are going to just attack me, gang up on me. That the hag will have everyone out to assault me. Irrational?, maybe. Paranoid? probably. I really am not even worried whether I am going to get it or not. I have told myself enough that the latter scenario will become the reality. I just want to get it over with. To move on. On top of everything else, I have had to deal with this BS since before August. I am just tired of it. Pick someone and get it over with. I just want to do our treatments, have our baby and move on.

We have a new president. I won't say what I think so as not to make anyone mad. I am glad the election is over. I was tired of hearing about it 24/7. It is all my parents have been watching on TV for months.

When we finally get our miracle nothing will bother me anymore. The Hag or anyone else can say or think what they want. I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday! Thanksgiving is almost here which means December/Christmas is almost here! Which it turn means that our miracle could be on the way soon. I really, really hope and pray that 2009 is our best year ever.