Today is a day of rememberance. Not that we would or could ever forget. It is so scary and so incredibly heartbreaking how many little miracles are lost. Just between one other poster on my message board and I, we have six lost babies. SIX. And we both struggled to get them. So unfair. It should not be this way. I am still sad. So hurt. But we have to believe that however briefly we had them, they were put in our lives for a reason. Maybe to make us stronger. Maybe this immeasurable pain was put on us in order to make us bitter & hateful, just so that we could learn to overcome it. I don't know why things are the way they are. We all struggle for the "Why?!?" question to be answered, but would that even ease the pain? the anger? No. I don't think it would. I ask it every day and each day that it goes unanswered. Because "Why us?" is not going to give us refuge. Why anyone? Why does there have to be pain & suffering of any kind? Why do I have this notion in my head that I am somehow going to feel a little better if someone would just give me a reason?

My nurse called last week and according to her, all our karyotping came back ok. My bloodwork came back ok except that they found out I do have MTHFR (another clotting factor) that inhibits the absorption of folic acid. Folic acid is important for the development of the placenta. So I am on 4mg/day of folic acid. I started taking Prometrium on Monday, Oct. 13 to bring on a bleed and then once that stops we will go in for my Sonohysterogram (SHG). She said that Doc had put in his notes that I could go ahead and start back on Follistim if the SHG turns out ok. I think it would be better if we wait one more cycle and then start. I mean, I only stopped bleeding a month ago from our last loss. Plus, it will give sometime for the folic acid to build up. So, hopefully we will start the new cycle towards the end of November. I can't wait. Of course, I am terrified too. How could I not be?