I don't even know what to say

I know, pretty lame title for this post. But, I really don't. I just can't find an accurate way to describe how I am feeling right now. Sad just does not explain it. Heartbroken. Disappointed. Total despair. All words I am familiar with. We will not get a sticky baby for Christmas this year either.

I tested on Thursday, November 20, at about 11dpo. At first we thought it was negative, but later thought we saw the faintest of faint lines. I started bleeding on Friday morning. But I felt pregnant, and I knew that even though that line was faint, it was +. Tested again sat morning, definite +. But still bleeding. HCG beta on Monday came back at 35, so definitely pregnant, but a low level for 15dpo. Progesterone was 11. Wednesday both the numbers went up. HCG went to 59 and progesterone went up to 15.5. Started having some hope, because the bleeding stopped. My chest got sorer and sorer. Saturday I started cramping and bleeding again. Still bleeding today. No symptoms. ZERO. I am getting another HCG beta drawn on Wednesday, but I know those numbers will be down, if not negative by then. I am not surprised and have done well with not crying. Until now. Just thinking this will be our third christmas without a baby. Just scared, because I don't want anything more in the world than to have a baby with my husband. A little person that is made from us both. I just want him to be able to put his hand on my stomach and feel the kicks. I just want to get up in the middle of the night to do feedings or change diapers. That's all I want. All I ask for.

There is that all familiar tightness in my throat, and that weird, empty, pit-like feeling in my stomach. A pregnant lady at work, who I do like and enjoy talking to, is visibly pregnant. Now I can't even look at her. If I try, my eyes will only go to her face and even then it feels like everything inside of me drops to my feet.

Today I feel guilty. Like maybe I didn't do enough to keep this little one safe. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped up and down with excitement during a football game. Maybe I shouldn't have even gone. I should have just stayed in bed. The rational side of me is trying to tell the rest of me that this wasn't a strong pregnancy to begin with, that even though the numbers went up, it wasn't meant to be from the beginning.

The song "When You're Going Through Hell" came on the radio as I was driving to work this morning. I've heard it before, and have always thought it was fitting:

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do.......

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it